They're Not Playing My Song...

We are living in interesting times.

Here in Scotland (that 'dark land populated by homosexuals' as humorous U.S. evangelist Pat Robertson once had it) now that the excitement summed up in the declaration 'they may take our airport doors, but they'll never take our freedom' has all died down, we are left with Wendy Alexander.

There is probably no-one better qualified to lead Scottish Labour in this troubled and perplexing time for the monolithic Scottish party establishment. There was no other choice, actually. What will happen next is anyone's guess.

Despite all the dire poll predictions, Jack McConnell spent his last days at Holyrood looking utterly dumbfounded and speaking as if he were somewhere else entirely. Perhaps never in British political history has a political leader been left so speechless for so long. He is off to Malawi I hear.

Poor Africa - I have never seen much in Mr McConnell beyond the adept slipperiness of the talented cad, and have yet to encounter anyone who thought he was a good maths teacher either. Certainly, only in Scotland could a man who looked in public as if he was about to leave the room having parked a bomb under the table be felt to be a charismatic leader.

So, Wendy then...

Well, good luck to her I say. I was always rather bemused by Jack's insistence on putting her on the subs bench. I suspect they hated each other - the 'get things done' woman of business versus the 'let's wait and see' man of cunning. Still, there's something about Wendy... and I think it's Lord Cardigan.

I am pursued by an image of Wendy Alexander charging into battle against the cannonade of the faux consensus politics of the Scottish Salmond Party, only to turn around at the last moment and find that no-one has followed her.

Particularly not George Foulkes, I suspect. This past week, George, now Lord Foulkes, has been having a go.

He lambasted hapless Henry McLeish for speaking out against some of the rather sillier aspects of Labour's failed election campaign. The former First Minister, who was forced to resign for cocking up his expenses, was described by Foulkes as a 'strange guy' who lacked 'any degree of statesmanship and diplomacy and understanding of politics' and who should 'shut up'.

That's not advice that George has ever been prone to follow, though. He's a veteran politician now, to be sure, but he is best remembered, perhaps, for talking a lot of tosh about anything that came his way. He was a bit like a 'good guy' version of John Reid.

The real subject of George's ire, however, was Wendy's press-man - Brian Lironi - whom George described, simply, as 'an idiot'.

Apparently, (and get the irony) George has a campaign underway to raise MSPs expenses allowances. Now, for all I know, there might be a case to be made, but I'm guessing that New Wendy Labour won't be taking up this particular flag and waving it around, not least because politicians expenses is one of the electorate's pet hates, and one that arguably went towards losing Labour the election.

It goes like this - the Scottish public are delighted to have a Scottish Parliament, but they are sick to death of Scottish politicians acting like they are in some kind of secret society that awards itself lots of goodies that the public has to pay for without so much as a 'by-your-leave'.

Consequently, I can think of no worse an idea for New Wendy than for George's great scheme to be given any oxygen. I suspect she'd rather encase Lord Foulkes in retardent foam to a great depth. So it came as no surprise to hear Lironi tell the press that Labour MSPs don't agree with Foulkes. I don't expect this will upset anyone else really.

What does upset me is that Alexander has only been in the job a few days and she's launched a new quango. It's called Ideas Scotland. Frankly, that was as far as I got. For all I know, this thing could be about to discover a cure for cancer, but I don't care. I DON'T CARE! IDEAS SCOTLAND!!

I swore recently that if I heard of one more stupid and meaningless branding I would scream and my head would explode. Well, my cat is now typing the rest of this article. Ideas Scotland.

My ultimatum was given on hearing that the Scottish Publishers Association had decided to rebrand itself as Publishing Scotland. Consequently, I threatened to rebrand myself, and suggested that everything in the country should be similarly altered (Bigotry Scotland for instance, or Smackheads Scotland, or Smug Scotland, or, in my case, Old Fat Mad Scotland).

Well, if Wendy thinks that entertaining the same old crap is going to make a difference, she can wave goodbye to being in my good books for a start. She's bound to notice my disapproval.